


These Clothes Are To Die For

by tuesday



Category: Zalgon 26 McGee - The Vestibules (Radio Skit)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 02:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2834438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/pseuds/tuesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Assorted Yelp reviews for McGee's Clothing</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Clothes Are To Die For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rosencrantz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/gifts).



> Thanks so much to my beta, Isis!
> 
> Happy Yuletide, Crantz!

"Look, I like our new alien overlords as much as the next guy. Limitless energy and a cure for the common cold are pretty great, and I guess the argument that there are fewer human deaths per day than there were when we had no aliens and alien tech at all makes sense. But all the fake shops these days are brutal on our consumer culture. You never know if it's going to be a really good deal on sporting goods, or a one-way ticket to the meat factory. 

Yes, there's always the internet - but in my neighborhood, we have Xorans for our local delivery guys, and the slime always seeps into the packages before they regurgitate them. Do you have any idea how hard that is to get out of cotton and gently distressed denim?

Lucky for me, there's Zalgon 26 McGee! No slime, slim chance of death! 

FIVE STARS."

 

"I know this guy sounds sketchy. I mean, what's with the name, right? Not to mention his way of speaking is more in line with the average Villarians, and well, it's still up for debate whether or not they consider us to be sentient. (I know my last flight attendant didn't. Never fly Air Grxia if you're unwilling to sacrifice your seat mate - and don't even get me started on the conditions of the toilets.) But hey, maybe he's adopted. 

Either way, this store is legit. The cashier may have told me how tasty I look, but no one tried to take a bite out of me, and I didn't actually _see_ anyone get eaten, so McGee's is alright with me.

FOUR STARS." 

 

"Okay, maybe my changing room smelled a little like charred flesh, and maybe there was a stray tibia under one of the clothing racks, but look. No one's perfect. And these clothes are literally _to die for_. Did you know you can get Gucci for under forty dollars? They weren't even knock-offs!

Whether or not this dude is eating some of his customers, I think it's worth the risk. Just remember to bring a friend and let them try stuff on first.

FIVE STARS."

 

"On the one hand, when I got out of my changing room, my boyfriend was missing and the store clerk had barbecue sauce on his chin.

But on the other, there was an amazing sale, and I got everything sixty percent off!

THREE STARS."

 

"Best place I know for disposing of the evidence.

FIVE STARS."

 

"What's with all the five star reviews? This place disappeared my sister! She went in the changing room and never came back out. I don't care how cheap the clothes are, it's not worth the creepy, assessing stares and the high risk of death and dismemberment. I wish you could give negative or at least zero stars. This store is the worst.

ONE STAR."

 

"Best place I know for disposing of unwanted siblings. Toss candy in the changing rooms for the really little ones.

Take THAT, babysitting duties.

FIVE STARS."

 

"My baby boy said he was going here and never came back. Mamas, don't let your children shop at brick and mortar stores. Too many are traps. I don't care how much slime gets on the packages, buy online.

ONE STAR."

 

"I can't believe the Feds and Worlds Oversight Committee cracked down on this place. It was so good. I can't believe they went over the acceptable sentient daily death limits when there were only three employees, and I'm pretty sure the greeter was a robot. I'll miss you, Zalgon 26 McGee. RIP McGee's Clothing Store. :((((

FIVE STARS."

 

"Good news! With the new ruling that humans are only _semi_ -sentient, McGee's Clothing Store is back in business! I'll never be willing to risk riding the bus again, but at least affordable high-end clothing is once more in my grasp. 

Friendly reminder: their return policy is practically non-existent, so you'll want to either try on your items first or be willing to gift what doesn't fit. 

If you're someone willing to try things on, e-mail me! We can coordinate our shopping trips. If you're willing to give things away, also e-mail me! Maybe we can make some trades.

FOUR STARS."

 

"Disregard the reviews above. They are lies. Zalgon 26 McGee is 100% a homo sapien who does not eat his fellow human beings. The only truth is McGee's Clothing's highly affordable prices. It is a normal, perfectly safe store, with fitting rooms of the highest quality. Come try on clothing today.

FIVE STARS."


End file.
